I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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