PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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