just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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