Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Houston, we have a blender
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
