OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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