i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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