When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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