um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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