I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize