Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i love accidental penises.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
