It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude i'm inner monologue high
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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