I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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