i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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