Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
