way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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