While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
