Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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