I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
