Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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