Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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