I'm going to jail i love you
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
