ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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