I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
