is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
