i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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