Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
