dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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