My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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