i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
