Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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