he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
