remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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