I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
