Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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