I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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