You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
