Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
