Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
