it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize