Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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