The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
