remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
