there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
