I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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