Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
