Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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