I'm laying in your front yard are you home
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
