Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
