and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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