dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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