went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize