it's not cheating when I paid for it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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