i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
