Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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