"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
