I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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