I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
