We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
