Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
