Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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