Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
