i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
