I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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