just come out here and I will go home with you...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
