How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize