i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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