Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
