Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
